Harold Pottery and the Warlock's Rock
by Perminator
Summary: In the year 2321, Disney decides to make their version of Harry Potter.
1. Prologue

You know who belongs to who, and what belongs to what (okay   
the ideas belong to JK Rowling, and Disney belongs to the   
megalomaniacs whom own Disney.  
  
***  
  
It is the year 2321 on planet Earth. Much is the same as it is now,   
television dominates average American's lives, people are more   
worried about possessions than each other, and Americans still   
get chili and Chile confused. The strangest of all, even though we   
saw it coming, Disney controls everyone and everything.  
  
***  
  
It was a sunny, yet smoggy, day in Mickeyville (formerly Orlando,   
Florida), the Chief Megalomaniac, Emanuel Zubov, was sitting in   
his office on the 435th floor of the George W. Bush Memorial   
Building.  
  
He pushed the button on his phone to summon his secretary.  
  
"Yes, Mr. Zubov?" His secretary asked.  
  
"What children's book have we not stolen the rights to and   
destroyed by animation and lost and forgotten celebrity voice-  
overs?"  
  
He heard the sound of flipping through pages, and finally a sigh,   
"Sir, it seems the only one left is the entire Harry Potter series."  
  
He smiled to himself, "So it shall be. Go hire a write for me,   
please."  
  
"Yes sir, right away."  
  
***  
  
Within minutes, Emanuel Zubov's secretary replied. "Mr. Zubov."  
  
He smiled, "Yes?"  
  
"We have hired a writer, the final script should be done within   
four to five minutes."  
  
"That long?"  
  
"Well, we were thinking of a revision or so."  
  
"Piddlyposh, revising is so 20th century. We are in the 24th! Only   
those of meek corporations do revisions."  
  
"Yes sir. Oh, the writer is at my desk right now. He has to final   
draft, should I transmit it to you?"  
  
He sighed, "I suppose."  
  
As soon as he finished his sentence, a piece of paper appeared on   
his desk with the title 'Harold Pottery and the Warlock's Rock'.  
  
Emanuel smiled, for he knew he had a box office hit sitting in front   
of him. He began to read.  
  
  
  



	2. Harry Potter and the Warlock's Rock - Pa...

'Harold Pottery and the Warlock's Rock'  
  
Narrator: Mr. and Mrs. Dumbsley were as normal as two people were. They lived in a normal American city next to normal American people.   
  
Mr. Dumbsley: Goodbye, Violet, I'm going to the screwdriver factory.  
  
Violet Dumbsley: Goodbye, Victor, do please pick up some honeydew on your way back home.  
  
Victor Dumbsley: (nods) Bye my Dunderwundoms.  
  
Dunder Dumbsley: insert fake baby noises  
  
Victor Dumbsley drives in his *new* car and notices funny looking people.  
  
Victor: Damn elderly, always dressing in the new style.  
  
He sees a lion reading a sign.  
  
Victor: We don't have lions in America. It must be those damned old people.  
  
He arrives at the screwdriver factory, trying to keep his mind off of what happened to those old people. He then goes on his bathroom break. When on his bathroom break, he can't help but overhear people talking.  
  
Unknown Person1:...says 'The-Bad-One' is dead...  
  
Unknown Person2:...little Harold Pottery...  
  
Unknown Person3:...John and Lilac Pottery are supposedly dead...  
  
Victor is startled.  
  
Victor: (to self) Isn't Violet's brother named John? Don't they have a kid named Harold? Or is it Harry? Maybe it's Lars..."  
  
After a usual day at work, Victor went home, still seeing elderly people in funny looking clothes. He thought of mentioning John, but thought better of it.  
  
Television: And next, Survivor 367: Ornskoldsvik, Sweden!  
  
Victor: Speaking of Ornskoldsvik, I saw some weird things on the way to and from the screwdriver factory.  
  
Violet gets a look of displeasure on her face.   
  
Violet: What?  
  
Victor: I saw a lot of old people, and a lion reading a sign.  
  
Violet: So!?  
  
Victor: Have you heard from your brother in awhile?  
  
Violet: (snorts) No, not really.  
  
Victor: Oh.   
  
Knock. Knock. Knock.  
  
Victor opens door. A pint sized man is standing at the door. He stands no taller than 2 feet. In his hands he holds a baby.  
  
Victor: What do you want?  
  
Man: My name is Richard Ragdih.  
  
Victor: So?  
  
Richard shoves child in Victor's hands, he pulls a letter out of his pocket and throws it at Victor. He jumps on to a moped and flies away.  
  
11 YEARS LATER  
  
An older Harold wakes up in the cobwebbed attic. He hears his Aunt Violet pounding on the floors.  
  
Harold: I'm getting up, I'm getting up.   
  
Violet: I have a bone to pick with you.  
  
Harold: Again?  
  
Violet: I heard that.  
  
Harold dresses and goes into the dining room.  
  
Violet: How do you explain this?  
  
Harold was amazed. He had an e-mail addressed to him.  
  
Harold: I don't know. I never get on the computer.  
  
Violet deletes it.   
  
Harold: Hey! That was my e-mail!  
  
Violet: Not anymore.  
  
Dunder: What was that?  
  
Violet: Oh nothing. Oh look at the time, it's 9:00, time for a snack. Harold, go back to your attic and think about what you did.  
  
The next day, Victor had to talk to him.  
  
Victor: What's this? You have three e-mails.  
  
Harold: Can I read one?  
  
Victor: No. Go to your attic and think about what you have done.  
  
Harold awakes at 4:00 in the morning. He tries to check his e-mails before anyone else can. He sneaks down there to find Uncle Victor hunched over the screen looking at pornography.  
  
Victor: Go to your attic and think about what you have done!  
  
Over the weeks, more and more e-mails arrived. Finally Uncle Victor was sick of it.  
  
Victor: Come on, we're going far, far away from here.  
  
They hop into the car and drive and drive. Finally, they reach a cabin floating in the middle of Lake Michigan.  
  
Dunder: I don't like the looks of that!   
  
Victor: Get over it, boy.  
  
They each take separate jet skis to the floating cabin. After much complaining, they settle down and sleep.  
  
Harold is awaken by a mild knock on the door.  
  
Victor: Go away.  
  
A window opens and in comes Richard Ragdih.  
  
He hands Harold a box of Cracker Jacks.  
  
Richard: Happy birthday!  
  
Harold: T-Thank you, Mr....  
  
Richard: Call me Ragdih, most people do.  
  
Victor: (pulls out light saber) Stay away from my family!  
  
Ragdih: I'm just here to give Harold his e-mail. Fresh off the printer.  
  
He hands Harold a piece of paper.  
  
It says: Dear Mr. Pottery,  
You have been excepted at Pigboils University of Witchcraft and Wizardry. You need to report to Platform 21 3/6 on September 2. We await your dragonfly no late than August 1st.  
  
Melinda McGallbladder  
Deputy Headmistress  
  
Harold: What is this supposed to mean?  
  
Ragdih: You don't know?  
  
Harold: What?  
  
Ragdih: You never told him?  
  
Victor: We never got around to it!  
  
Ragdih: Did you get around to telling him anything?  
  
Victor: Uh, not really.  
  
Harold: They told me my parents died in a stampede at Mellon Arena in Pittsburgh.  
  
Ragdih: You what?  
  
Victor: Well, it seemed believable.  
  
Ragdih: Harold, you're a wizard.   
  
Harold: GASP!  
  
Ragdih: Your parents were killed by...hmmm...  
  
Harold: What?  
  
Ragdih: Egh - he's so EVIL I don't much want to say his name.  
  
Harold: Why don't you write it down?  
  
Ragdih: I'm illiterate, I reckon I'll just say it. Your parents were killed by the evil Lord Mauvaishomme.  
  
Harold: (surprised) Oh. Well, I think I will sleep right now.  
  
Ragdih: Yes, I am tired. Tomorrow we will go to Horizontal Alley to get your supplies.  
  
Harold: Okay!  
  
***  
  
Okay, Disney is evil, that's why this is intended to be stupid, thus is. If I get nice reviews I'll post the rest of Harold Pottery and the Warlock's Rock!  
  



	3. Harold Potter and the Warlock's Rock - P...

Now it is time for everyone's favorite caught, cough, gag, gag   
Disney coughs and gags more tale HAROLD POTTERY AND   
THE WARLOCK'S ROCK!   
  
***  
  
After the twenty minute prologue, the title scene begins. The title   
scene music is "Starfuckers, Inc." by Nine Inch Nails, since that has   
'everything' to do with Harold Pottery! Disney has a fetish with   
songs that are three hundred years old (A/N: By this time it would   
be! See?)  
  
Birds: Cheep cheep!   
  
Ragdih: Good morning, Harold. Are you ready to go to Horizontal   
Alley?  
  
Harold: Yes! I am!  
  
They skip out the door, trying not to wake the Dumbsleys. Ragdih   
pulls an oversized dragonfly from his pants. He scribbles a letter and   
staples it to the dragonfly.  
  
Harold: Wow! What was that for?  
  
Ragdih: Florker, that's my dragonfly, is taking your confirmation letter   
to Melinda McGallbladder to guarantee your place at Pigboils.   
  
Harold and Ragdih jump on the jet skis and jet ski away. When they   
reach shore, they hike to the nearest train station. They take a train   
to Gary, Indiana. When they arrive in Gary, they walk towards a   
place called the "The Frayed Cloak".  
  
Harold: What is this?  
  
Ragdih: This is the McDonald's of the wizarding world. Now let us   
hurry before we miss the sale going on at Monsieur Milking's Robes   
For All Happenings!  
  
Harold: I do not get it! We walk into that restaurant and we see a   
whole bunch of shops?  
  
Ragdih pats Harold on the head.  
  
Ragdih: You always want to take the easy way out, do you not?  
  
They walked into the Frayed Cloak, and were instantly surrounded.  
  
Funny Looking Guy: Oh my God!  
  
An unusual looking man with a nose the size of a brick ran up and   
shook Harold's hand.   
  
Funny Looking Guy: I am never washing this hand again!  
  
Two blonde twins in fuzzy pink tube tops and mini skirts came up to   
Harold and rubbed him playfully.  
  
Twins: (In unison) It is so marvelous to meet you, Mr. Pottery.  
  
Then a young looking man who wore a sombrero that smelled like   
molding bread came up to Harold.  
  
Young Guy in a Moldy-Bread Smelling Sombrero: I-It's s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-  
s-s-so nice to m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-meet y-y-you!  
  
More and more people surrounded Harry to shake his hand.  
  
Ragdih: That was Professor Squirrel; he will be teaching you at   
Pigboils.  
  
Harold: Why does he smell and talk funny?  
  
Ragdih: Some people think he is European. (A/N: ABSOLUTELY   
NO OFFENSE TO ANY EUROPEANS OUT THERE! Europe has   
produced the finest people; this is from Disney's point of view, not   
MINE!)  
  
Harold: Oh, that makes sense then.  
  
After they escape from the hustle and bustle of annoying people,   
they walk out the back door of the Frayed Cloak.  
  
Ragdih pulls a 7 Up can from his pants and taps on the third trash   
can from the left. The trash can's lid pops off and Ragdih jumps in.   
Harry follows him.  
  
They land in a crowded street that has the words 'Horizontal Alley'   
written up and down the sidewalk.   
  
Harold's eyes dart everywhere. He is ecstatic.   
  
Harold: Where do we go first?  
  
Ragdih: We will go to Locknutt's first.  
  
Harold: What's Locknutt's?  
  
Ragdih: It's the bank where wizards throw all their money.  
  
Harold: Oh.  
  
They walked inside, and chipmunks were guarding every corner of   
the bank.  
  
Ragdih: I need to get the 'thing' out of Vault 21. I also need to open   
up Vault 5,494,938,493,298,284,902,235.  
  
The chipmunk nodded at him.  
  
Chipmunk: Dale, please take these people to Vaults 21 and   
5,494,938,493,298,284,902,235!  
  
Dale: I am right on it, Chip.  
  
Dale the chipmunk, Harold, and Ragdih jump into an oversized roller   
skate. They travel two feet before reaching vault twenty-one. Chip   
pulls out an acorn and places it into the handle. The door flies open   
to reveal a ziploc bag lying on the ground.   
  
Dale walks into the vault, picks up the bag and hands it to Ragdih.  
  
Dale: Good luck.  
  
Ragdih returns a smile.  
  
Dale jumps back into the skate, he pressed a button and they   
traveled at a mere six hundred miles an hour until they reached   
Harold's vault.  
  
Dale pulls out another acorn, and Harold's vault opens to reveal   
millions of shining gold acorns.  
  
Harold: WOW! This is all mine?  
  
Ragdih: Yes, it is. Fill up your bag and then we will go buy your   
supplies.  
  
Harold: What are the meanings of these acorns?  
  
Ragdih: The gold ones are called 'gayones', the silver are called   
'singles' and the bronze ones are called 'nuts'. There are 45½ nuts   
to a singles. There are 523 singles to a gayone.  
  
Harold takes a Wal-Mart bag and fills it up with as many gayones,   
singles, and nuts he can get his hands on. (A/N: That has to be the   
most perverted sentence I have ever written)  
  
Harold: Do you think that will be enough?  
  
Ragdih: Sure, let's just get out of here. Your vault gives me the   
collywobbles!   
  
They jump back into the oversized skate and it takes them back to   
the main floor of Locknutt's. They check out and walk back into the   
hustle and bustle of Horizontal Alley.  
  
Ragdih: I think we should go to Oliveoil's to get your wand first.  
  
They walk into a run down building with the words 'Oliveoil's'   
peeling from the windows. They hear a little tinkling of the bell, and   
Mr. Oliveoil comes running out.  
  
Mr. Oliveoil: Hello Ragdih! Twenty two inches, barbie leg, chestnut,   
bendy, correct?  
  
Ragdih: Well, that's what it was before they tossed it into the fire.  
  
Mr. Oliveoil: Yes, well those things happen. Whom do we have   
here?  
  
Ragdih: Harold Potter.  
  
Mr. Oliveoils's eyes shoot up to the lightbulb shaped scar on the tip   
of Harold's nose.  
  
Mr. Oliveoil: THE Harold Pottery?  
  
Harold: Is there any other?  
  
Mr. Oliveoil pulls a shoe box from the very top shelf. He dusts it off,   
pulls out a wand, and hands it to Harold.  
  
Mr. Oliveoil: Try this one. Twelve inches, AA battery, Pergo   
flooring, flimsy.  
  
Harold waves it around, feeling clumsy, when purple and hot pink   
stars shoot from the end.  
  
Mr. Oliveoil: We have a winner! That will be seven gayones, please.  
  
Harold takes seven gold coins from his purse and hands them to Mr.   
Oliveoil. Mr. Oliveoil, in return, hands him the shoe box with his   
new wand.  
  
Ragdih and Harold go to the bookstore, the apothecary, and some   
other places.  
  
Ragdih: We have two more places to go. Fruitloops Dragonfly   
Emporium, and Monsieur Milking's Robes For All Happenings.  
  
Harold nods his head. They walk into Fruitloops, and dragonflies are   
zooming all over the place.  
  
In the corner, Harold sees a snow white dragonfly. It looks antisocial   
sitting in the corner by itself.  
  
Harold: I want that one.  
  
Harold buys it for four gayones and decides to name it Cadwell.  
  
Ragdih: I have to go get my shoes shone, so I trust you can get your   
school robes by yourself?  
  
Harold: Yes, I can.  
  
Ragdih: I will wait for you outside when I am done. It should not   
take that long.  
  
Harold walks into the store. A plump witch with heavy eyeshadow   
sits there puffing on a cigarette.  
  
Plump Witch With Heavy Eyeshadow: You here for Pigboils fitting?  
  
Harold coughed on the smoke.  
  
Harold: Yes.  
  
The lady points for him to go to the back room.  
  
Plump Witch With Heavy Eyeshadow: Someone will be there soon   
to fit you.  
  
Harold walks sheepishly to the back of the room. There he sees a   
boy being fitted.  
  
Boy: Oh hello, are you going to Pigboils?  
  
Harold: Yes.  
  
Boy: Do you know what house you are going to be in?  
  
Harold: Err…no.  
  
Boy: I do hope I will be in Stinkin! All the best witches and wizards   
are there (A/N: He is damn right!)  
  
Harold: Oh.  
  
Boy: But I suppose Crowsfoot would be okay, but definitely not   
Puffinhuff. All the wimps come out of Puffinhuff.  
  
Harold: They sure do!  
  
Boy: But, the last house I would ever want to be in is Grabadoor.   
  
Harold: Err…Grabadoor is for bad people!  
  
Boy: Precisely.   
  
Someone comes to fit Harold for his robes. Harold decides this boy   
is a stupid bastard, and decides that Stinkin would be the last house   
he wants to be in (A/N: Such a stupid boy Harold is….).   
  
Harold is done getting his robes fitted. He pays for them and sees   
Ragdih outside.  
  
Harold: Ragdih, what is Stinkin?  
  
Ragdih: Oh, that's a house in Pigboils. Most evil people come from   
Stinkin…let's see, there is Stinkin, Crowsfoot, Puffinhuff, and the best   
of them all, Grabadoor.  
  
Harold: Which one do you think I will get?  
  
Ragdih: Probably Grabadoor. You are the bravest eleven year old I   
have ever met.  
  
Harold: Oh.  
  
***  
  
I do not own any of the plot lines stolen from Harry Potter and the   
Sorcerer's (Philosopher's to you lucky people who do not have to   
live in America, like I) Stone, for those come from the mind of…you   
guessed it! JK Rowling! Woo! And I did not mean to offend anyone,   
if I did, blame it on Disney.  
  
  
  
  



End file.
